Paralyzed by Perfectionism

I am praying that God will empower me to slay a formidable giant in my life...the giant of perfectionism.  I feel like I am learning so much about myself lately in regards to my personality, my weaknesses, my deficiencies, and my need for growth.  Here are some of my reflections on my perfectionism:

1. You don't have to be perfect to be a perfectionist.  I am far from perfect and I know it!  In fact, I think this is at the heart of my perfectionism.  I have a strong sense of my imperfections and this leads to deep insecurity which motivates me to want to fix all my problems, project an impeccable image, have all my ducks in a row, etc.

2. My desire to do things with superior quality and effectiveness leads me to actually accomplish very little.  I fail to start projects, tasks, relationships, conversations, and more because I cannot think of the best way to begin.  I give up on the items I do start because I feel frustrated by my lack of skill or my insecurity about the best way to proceed.  I essentially get paralyzed by my perfectionism.

3. To put a finger on the root cause of perfectionism in my heart I can identify two issues: insecurity and pride.  On one hand, I am insecure in myself and in my abilities.  On the other hand, I think about myself too much.  I feel like people are always looking at me and judging my choices, my actions, my inaction, my technique, my appearance, my mannerisms, my speech, the way I carry myself, and on and on.  Who do I think I am?!  Why do I think that everyone is concerned with me?  Why am I so full of myself?

4. At the heart, my perfectionism is sinful.  From one side I am looking to myself for security (and not finding it) instead of trusting in the One, True God and depending on Him for my security.  From the other side I am allowing my heart and mind to focus on myself and seek recognition, approval, glory for myself instead of living for the glory of God.

5. The answer to my perfectionism problem is repentance and trusting God.  I am praying regularly that God will crucify my pride and my self-centered sin and my insecurity and put within me deep love for, complete dependence on, and steadfast confidence in Him alone!


Sometimes I wonder what it is like to not care what others think about me.  I know some people who are  like that.  They seem to be so free.  I will seek my freedom in God through Jesus my Savior the One who makes the broken whole and makes the lame to walk again and raises the dead to life.  Through Jesus, I will be paralyzed no more.

He must increase, I must decrease!  (John 3:30)

JasonPS

Connecting With God

I should not be surprised when my prayers are answered.  In fact, I am quite ashamed at my astonishment when God does move mightily in some circumstance about which I have petitioned Him.

In recent days, I have begun praying with increased earnest that God will fill me with His Spirit and that He will meet with me that I may enjoy Him and grow in Him.  Not too many days after I had taken up this prayer in renewed intensity, God gave me the blessing of a true sense of connection with Him.  Over my short life to this point, I can recall specific moments when God has made His love and grace and very presence known to me in moments of great significance.

My faith does not lean on those special moments of subjective experience for assurance or solid footing.  No, my faith rests in the finished work of Jesus Christ my redeemer and Lord.  Rather, these moments of connections with the sovereign God serve as great impulses of joy and reminders that I serve a personal and near God.

I find that when I am faithful and intently pursue God, then God is eager to meet with me and make Himself known to me!  This is a wonderful truth!  Who am I that God would care to reveal Himself to me?!  Yet He does!  How wonderfully merciful and gracious is my God!

Supernatural

Last night I started reading a short devotional e-book for pastors called Brothers, We Are Still Not Professionals by John Piper.  This is a sequel to Piper's earlier and longer work, Brothers, We Are Not Professionals.  Intended to encourage pastors as they serve God by serving His people, both of these books combat the dangerous trend of approaching ministry from the aspect of professionalism.  Or  defining, pursuing, and celebrating ministry "success" in worldly, professionalistic terms.

This most recent edition dovetails with the theme of the 2013 Desiring God Conference for Pastors: "Reclaiming the Centrality of the Supernatural in Ministry."  I can't express how much this resonates with me. I want neither a life, nor a family, nor a Christian ministry which can be explained in terms of human effort,  human wisdom, and human abilities.  I very much want to be in the middle of God's achieving His perfect purpose by His own mighty working by the means of His infinite strength and according to His limitless wisdom.  If such would be the case, then there would be very little chance that anyone would mistake the one to whom the true credit would be due.  God alone would be glorified by such a life and ministry.

But, oh, the task is great and I am unequal to meet it!  Piper writes on page 11 of the e-book,

"Pastors say, 'Who is sufficient for these things!' And then they look to God. Professionals say, 'Education and training and savvy are sufficient.' And then they look to experts."  

My Great God, prevent me from looking elsewhere for strength, guidance, opinions, affirmation, or standards!

This is the sentiment behind the discussion of pursuing God and seeking Him to work in beyond our human efforts and to accomplish results far greater than man can in his strength.  In other words, to seek God and depend on Him to work SUPERNATURALLY.

It takes a great deal of faith to operate this way.  But I believe that there is tremendous freedom and reward in living such a life and investing in such a ministry.  It does not excuse us from hard work, long hours, burdened hearts, or painful situations.  But it places the responsibility for results where they belong, with the Lord ("I will build my church."  Matthew 16:18).  We are called to faithfully and obediently follow Jesus (no simple or easy task in itself) and he will do His work.

In a podcast sermon two weeks ago, I heard a pastor put it this way (I regret that I do not recall who I was listening to):

"In Christ-following, measure faithful obedience rather than results."

In reflection upon these things I pray,

"Lord, I desire You to be greatly glorified and pleased by my life, my family, and my ministry.  Therefore, create in me a faithful heart and grant me diligent and joyful obedience as I follow You and I will depend on You for the mighty works You desire to accomplish.  Whether they are revealed in this life or the next, You will receive all the credit, praise, honor, and worship!"



If you would like to read the free e-book for yourself, you can download it by following this link:
Free E-Book: Brothers, We Are Still Not Professionals

Also, if you want to listen to the messages from the 2013 Conference for Pastors, follow this link:
2013 Conference for Pastors Messages

Following Jesus,
JasonPS